


Maybe

by GlitteringKitten



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012!Phan, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, M/M, Mild Language, Post-Video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 16:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6477442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitteringKitten/pseuds/GlitteringKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s 2012; things are getting tense after the video incident and it’s just too much for Phil to put up with any more; one too many arguments for him to just listen to over and over. Established relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, and while this is my first posted Phanfic, it's not the only one I have. I can safely say, I listened to Emeli Sandé’s “Maybe” on repeat pretty much all afternoon, then all evening whilst writing this. I’m not even kidding, I think it’s a good job I had headphones in. It does mention the video; but I haven't watched it and I personally wouldn't. It's just a plot device, more than anything. 
> 
> Possible warnings for an odd choice of formatting. I don’t normally format like this. Normally I’m an A* normal-format-type-girl. Not quite sure why I wasn’t with this one; but it seemed to fit?

~

Can’t you see how this is ruining us Dan? Can’t you see how every time you deny this and say it’s not something you’d ever want it’s breaking my heart? I can’t keep seeing you tell people it’s ridiculous that we’d ever be together, because the more I see it the more I feel it’s true. It is ridiculous, why should we be together when you clearly don’t want it to be true? _Disappointment rang through Phil’s words as he began to get up to make coffee, his movements hindered by Dan stepping in the way, blocking his exit._

You know that’s not fair, Phil - _Dan started, eyes narrowing as he began to raise his voice in frustration._

Isn’t it? You’re practically indicating it’s the worst thing you’ve ever heard, Dan. These fans are happy for us and you’re just snapping at them like it offends you. Like the idea of us being anything more than friends offends you. _He put down his cup, recognizing that it was becoming another of their weekly arguments, not even that long after their previous one had dissolved. He wondered if it had, or if they’d just hit pause until a time where they could argue about it properly._  
  
They don’t need to know, Phil, it’s none of their fucking business what we get up to, whether we’re dating or not. What we get up to is our business, not theirs. _Dan continued, sharpness on every word like rotating blades around his speech._  
  
Really? Because it’s sounding less like it’s about that than it is about the fact you don’t want to admit you’re in a relationship with a guy. What you’re saying hurts, Dan, do you get that? It hurts that you would rather deny any indication that we’re a couple than admit you might like guys. You won’t even give them that.  
  
Why should I? They don’t need to know! Who I do or don’t want is for me to know, not them.  
  
What about what **I** want? _Phil asked, eyes searching for an answer Dan didn’t seem to have._ Have you thought about that? You’re so busy on your crusade to prove how straight you are that you’re not even thinking about me at all. I can’t believe I fell for someone so self centred.  
  
Don’t be stupid, I’m doing this for us- _Dan scoffed, folding his arms . Phil frowned, shaking his head and gritting his teeth, holding back the yells that clawed at his throat to escape. He bit out his reply, holding back the full rage he felt._  
  
No, you’re doing this for yourself. You don’t like that this happened without your permission, without your spin, and you can’t handle the fact it’s spiralling out of control. I know, it’s scary, because you’re being outed and I’m not, not really, but the fact is there are better ways to deal with it. You’re not even considering how it’s affecting me. You’re just attacking everyone because you’re feeling vulnerable. Well so am I. I didn’t want anyone but you seeing that, Dan, of course I didn’t. It was special. And now it’s been ruined, and the entire thing is wrecking our relationship.  
  
No, it’s not, **they** are-  
  
No, **you** are. _Phil broke through Dan’s argument, refusing to let him blame people who weren’t even there._ You’re making me feel like I’ve done this on purpose, as though I wanted this. I would never want this, Dan. Especially not if it makes you behave like a teenager again. It’s not exactly an attractive quality, believe me.  
  
What are you saying? _Dan’s anger turned to bewilderment, shocked at the sudden insult._  
  
I’m saying maybe it’ll be easier for you to pretend there’s nothing between us if there isn’t. Maybe it’ll be easier for you to deal with your sexuality issues alone, without me confusing matters, without me causing you unnecessary stress by accident. Maybe we should just break up.  
  
Phil, I don’t - I don’t want that. _He began to reach forward, but Phil stepped back, fully past the point of no return. He pulled away as physically as he could, leaving a gap between them, eyes warning Dan not to get any closer._  
  
Really? Because it doesn’t sound like that when you’re telling the world how vile you find the idea. And besides, it’s not just about what you want. That’s the point. We’re in this together, and making decisions for us based on what you want isn’t how a relationship works.  
  
What do you mean?  
  
Has it even occurred to you that maybe I hate this just as much as you? That I don’t want to keep fighting? That I think we should break up because maybe I want to get out? _Phil snapped, pushing his hair out of his eyes._  
  
What? _Dan asked, not anticipating that as a reply and stunned that Phil would suggest it._  
  
Months of hearing you telling people we’re not joined at the hip, that you’ve got other friends, that you don’t need me - it adds up, Dan. So maybe I’ve had enough and I just can’t, not any more. So just. Let’s just call it quits. It’s not like it’ll be that different anyway, it’s not like you can bear to touch me any more, don’t think I haven’t noticed. You spend every waking hour arguing with people that we aren’t together and forcing it to be true by avoiding me, so why not just accept it. It’s over between us.  
  
Phil - _Dan’s voice was soft, broken against the harshness of Phil’s outburst, the sudden attack he’d never expected. He reached for him again, desperate to take hold of the situation, turn it back around, but Phil just shrugged him off, eyeing him with distaste. There was a slight pause, as though neither knew quite what to do now the words had been said. Phil pursed his lips, shaking his head as the silence dragged out._  
  
I’m going to stay at a mates tonight. I can’t be here. I can’t keep having this argument, I can’t keep hearing you betray what memories I have of us with poisonous barbs about how you’d never want to be with me. I want to remember us as we were, before this. So I’m going. I - I’ll get some stuff and when you’re feeling more like the adult I thought you were, we can talk about what to do moving forwards. I’m just too tired to do this now, too exhausted to keep arguing when all I want is to go back to how we were.  
  
_He turned and left, not even bothering to close the door as he headed to his room - their room, but his room officially - to gather his things together. Dan hadn’t moved from his place in the living room, almost too stunned by Phil’s outburst to really react, the words not quite making sense in his head. It was only when he heard the front door slam that he realised Phil hadn’t been joking, hadn’t been making a point - he meant it. He meant that it was over. Everything they had, surrounding Dan in a cocoon of familiarity - everything they were. The only stable point he felt he had in the world, his immovable object; pushed aside in one fail swoop. He found himself staring at the place where Phil had been, as if he could just re-imagine him there, rewind time and make him pull the words back._  
  
_He didn’t know how long he stood there, just staring at the empty space as the light outside disappeared, and the room turned cold, and he really understood he was alone. That Phil meant it, he wasn’t coming home. The laptop flashed at him, reminding him it was time for Phil’s younow video, time for him to tell the world what had changed in the last week. His phone beeped, and it broke his heart to see it was Phil, letting him know he’d arrived safely, even if he didn’t care. Of course he cared. He wondered what Phil would say on younow, if he’d even go online like normal. He wasn’t surprised to get the notification claiming he was too busy with his family to do a younow, and that he’d catch up with them next week, but it was only then that he let the realisation hit him fully, climbing onto the sofa and sinking into the crease he’d already begun to build up. He spent the night there, hoping desperately that Phil would change his mind, come back and continue arguing, continue fighting for their relationship._  
  
_It was four days before he gave in to the desire to make it better. He had to do something, had to ask him what was going on; they had a show to do that weekend, they couldn’t just turn up in this state. He couldn’t, even if Phil could. So he text Phil, asking when he would be back, not apologising, not over text. He got a short reply back, just a time. Not even an emoji. Dan waited at the stairs to the door, not wanting to waste a minute on not knowing whether they had a chance, whether he could make it better. When Phil didn’t appear at the time suggested, and didn’t text, Dan felt his heart crumble, rubble filling his chest and making it heavy and hard to breathe. He sat on the stairs, waiting and waiting, hoping and praying that he’d misread it, that any minute he’d be back. He kept his phone charger plugged into the wall, refusing to give his phone a chance to die in case he missed the call, missed the text. He fell asleep, head resting on the wall, body awkward against the stairwell. Phil found him there, crumpled and childlike, when he finally arrived. Tear stains still on his cheeks, phone clutched desperately in his hands, Dan was almost unrecognisable as the confident, bold boy he’d been when arguing just days before._  
  
Dan, you can’t sleep here. What are you doing?  
  
You said - you said nine. I was waiting, I wanted - _his voice cracked, eyes wide and drowning in the sight of Phil, physically in front of him when he’d been so convinced he’d never be back._ I wanted to be here for you. To greet you. To see you. To -  
  
To start the argument up again before I got a chance to get my stuff and leave? _Phil asked, walking past him and up the stairs. Dan followed him, rubbing his eyes as they walked to the bedroom, watching as Phil began to pick out clothes from his section of the wardrobe. As he began to put them in his space rucksack, Dan felt the crumbled pieces of his heart leap to his throat, choking his words as he tried to explain, tried to stop him. He hung back at the door, unwilling to get in the way, but desperate to stop him going._  
  
No - to apologise. I - Phil stop, please, please don’t do this, I can’t - I need you. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t make this decision, please just let us-  
  
I tried, Dan. I tried so hard, because I knew it was hard for you - I know how scary it is really falling in love for the first time, especially with someone who you don’t expect to - I’m not a monster. And I thought we were doing OK, I thought you were getting past your fears, and maybe one day you’d be OK being out and we could just be a couple. But this - you don’t even know why you’re apologising, do you?  
  
I do.  
  
No you don’t. You just want me back. And - it’s taking everything in me not just to say OK, I’ll try again, we’ll do it again, but I can’t. I can’t Dan, because it hurts so much being with you sometimes, and I don’t want to be in a relationship that hurts, I want to be in a relationship that feels how - how it should feel. Loving. Warm. Funny. Like we were when we first started dating, before anyone else became your priority.  
  
You’re always my priority, Phil.  
  
No, I’m not. You’re always your own priority first, and I’m just second fiddle. I was OK with that, because that’s who you are - but I can’t keep competing with your self hatred for your attention, Dan. I can’t keep watching as you pull what I thought was special through the mud to make sure you get to stay squeaky clean.  
  
It is special. What we have is so, so special. So special and so important to me-  
  
Then fucking act like it, Dan. Act like you’re fighting for us, not against us. _He inhaled sharply, covering his mouth in shock at how angry he felt, how strong the words came out._  
  
I am fighting for us, Phil. I want to protect what we have from other people. I don’t want them making it tainted and cheap just because they want to imagine what we get up to -  
  
It never feels like that. Every argument you make is so - painful to hear. To read. It’s like you’re ashamed of even the idea of being with me, Dan. Do you even see that? Do you realise that’s what your arguments are making me feel? Like I’m just something you never want to reveal. Like you wish you’d never got involved with me. So I’m giving you what you want. I’m giving you freedom to claim nothing’s going on, ok, because it’s not. It’s over. We’re over. _He stopped throwing clothes into the bag, covering his face with his hands and sinking to the bed, crying suddenly._ We’re over, Dan.  
  
No. No, we’re not. We’re not, I _\- he knelt on the floor, grabbing at Phil’s hands and meeting his gaze, mirroring his tears, desperation and fear etched on his face like they’d been there since birth._ Phil, I love you, please, please let me fix this. Let me try? Give me a chance to fix this, just - just one chance.  
  
You’ve had so many, bear, _Phil whispered, barely able to speak through his sobs,_ I can’t keep giving in to you. I can’t. Please stop asking me to.  
  
No - I’m - just this one more. Please. Please Phil, please, I won’t - I’ll stop. I’ll stop and we can move on and this - this will just be a bad patch. I’ll put you first. I always want to, I just, I didn’t realise I wasn’t. Let me try one more time, Phil. I don’t want you to hurt either, and I don’t want to be the one putting you through it. So if I fail - god, if I fail then - but I won’t. I won’t, because I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you, Phil. I need you so, so much. I love you more than anything, Phil. I’m so sorry, I never wanted you to feel like that. I just- I was wrong. _Dan’s hands gripped tightly around Phil’s, determination and uncertainty mixing in his eyes with hope, hope that Phil could see he meant it, that he didn’t want to fail him again, didn’t want to lose him. Didn’t want it to be over. Phil rubbed his eyes with his shoulder in lieu of his hands, wiping tears away, breaking their eye contact and biting his lip uneasily._  
  
I don’t want to be hurt again, Dan. I don’t want to be told that I’m too close. I don’t want to feel like I repulse you. Please…  
  
Never. And you never could. I love you. You’re gorgeous Phil, you could never repulse me. I - I’m sorry if I haven’t been as physical lately I - I didn’t want to get back into the habit with so many people watching our every move. I don’t want to share those moments with everyone else.  
  
You could still share them with me, though, _Phil replied, bitterness edging his voice as he started to well up again_ , considering I’m the one who you’re meant to love. You used to be unable to keep your hands off me, and now it’s like you don’t want to catch a disease off me, that my openness is catching. Friends still touch, you know. Hell I get to hold PJ more than I get to hold you lately. As for anything more…  
  
I - I’m sorry. I don’t have a good enough answer. It’s not that I don’t want to. _Phil stared at him, disbelief on his face._ It’s **not**. Oh god, no Phil, it’s not, I want to so much - but we’ve been fighting and I just thought you wouldn’t want me to- I thought you would think I was using it as an apology or a way to butter you up, or- I just never wanted to use that as a way to get back into your good books. That’s not something I can do, not when we’re not on the right terms. It’d feel like I was using you.  
  
You could’ve just told me that, Dan, you could’ve just talked to me about most of this, talked to me and let me know that you don’t resent me, that you don’t hate me for keeping that stupid video and - you could tell me you still want me. That you don’t wish we’d never got together. You could just talk to me, Dan. Instead of lashing out at the fans.  
  
_Dan hung his head, the words truly sinking in, the damage he’d done to their relationship open and obvious like the raw wound it was becoming._  
  
I’ve really lost you, haven’t I? _He stated, suddenly, his body seizing in his crouched position, withdrawing his hands and letting Phil go. The discomfort of his actions, the obvious realisation that this wasn’t something he could fix resonated through his body, shivering all over his skin._ Oh god, I’ve really lost you and I didn’t even see it coming, I thought - I just thought you wouldn’t leave because you’d understand, I didn’t realise how much I was hurting you - fuck, Phil. _He glanced up, no longer crying, but his eyes clear and honest, solidly latching onto Phil, taking in his form, as if it really was the last time._ I - I don’t know what to do, Phil. You’re right, I can’t - I can’t keep hurting you. I’m sorry. I know I keep saying it, and it’s probably lost all meaning, but - you deserve better. You deserve so much better than this, and I don’t - it breaks my heart but I don’t blame you for wanting to get away from me.  
  
I don’t want to, Dan. I don’t. I just have to do what’s right for us both, and I can’t be with you if you aren’t able to see past this video, past this mistake. _He hesitates, looking to his half empty rucksack, then to Dan, curled up on himself on the floor._ You understand, right?  
  
I do. _Dan nodded, still upset, but no longer begging him not to go._ You need to be with someone who can be everything you need - and I, I’m not that person. Maybe I never was. Jesus. They’re gonna be so lucky to have to you. I hope they don’t fuck it up like I did. You deserve so much better than that. You deserve so much more.  
  
Dan- _Phil reached his hand down, stroking his cheek, pushing back his hair,_ don’t fuck it up this time? _The words hung quietly, the gesture of his skin against Dan’s slowly reassuring, fear and anticipation in his eyes as Dan met his gaze. For a moment, Dan said nothing, hoping he understood, hoping he wasn’t wrong. Phil nodded slightly, tears still curling around his lashes, mouth bitten to pieces in uncertainty._ One more chance, Dan. That’s all you’re getting. I can’t take more than that. But I love you. And I want to believe you understand what you did wrong. And I don’t think you’ll get it right right away. But I want you to try, because I want this to work, because I love you and losing you would be the worst thing I can imagine right now. Four days was hard enough, I don’t want to imagine a lifetime without you.  
  
_He held out his arms, and Dan rushed into them, squeezing him tightly, apologising over and over in his ears, in his hair, holding him, just gripping him and inhaling him like he was going to disappear any minute. Phil curled his body around Dan’s, his actions almost a mirror, the bag knocked to the floor. They might not be perfect straight away, he knew, and the next few months were going to be hard on them both, but they worked best together, fighting for one goal, rather than divided, and he couldn’t leave knowing they hadn’t given it their all._

 


End file.
